I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
