grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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