Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
