rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
is wine microwaveable?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
