I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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