He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
