You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
