hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
