Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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