I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
