Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
