I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
