I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
farters have to be the big spoon...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
