Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
