babies were throwing up all over the place
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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