R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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