Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
