Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
