we have pet lesbian snakes
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
