I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
