I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
