Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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