I met the friendliest cop last night
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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