I queefed so loud it echoed.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
