dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
