Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You are the jesus of drinking
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
