Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
