a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
