I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
