idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
