Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
