I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
