I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
