If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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