So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
