Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
