He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
