matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
