wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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