ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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