My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
