Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
