just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
So apparently I’m into choking now
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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