The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
