Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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