I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
