So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
