I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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