im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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