i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
